March 29, 2009

This journal entry was originally written on 03/29/09…

How do I choose You? It seems like something beyond mere choice must take place before this mountain is removed. I am far… so far from You. How do I know You? Have I missed it? Have I wasted my life on pettiness and days spent without You? I don’t know how to change. I am so sick of this eternal cycle. Why can’t I just be constant? Why can’t I be faithful and enduring? I feel like a fool. I am embarrassed and so ashamed to be back in this place of questioning and wondering. I hate myself in this moment. Lord!! Why have you put me in such a heavy position? I am unable. I am unworthy. I am unsuitable. I know You desire more of me. I know You expect more of me. And I don’t know how to deliver. I don’t know how to step up. How stupid am I? How depraved and sad? I am sorry, God. I am so sorry.

And I am stuck. Quitting is not an option. Stepping down, time off, moving away… not possible. So what do I do? How do I change? What makes this time THE time? I’ve been here, in this place, more times than not. I’ve learned things, lessons, that should “work”, if only I’d be able to adhere to their principles- which i seem to be unable to do.

How is it that I am so disappointed to be staying in Phoenix, yet at the same time, I know there’s nowhere else I want to be? I am a big question mark. Nothing makes sense! I don’t even know how to be called! It’s no wonder. Now wonder that if it is our calling that grounds us, that I feel… faulty. Unstable. Unrooted. Ungrounded.            Unacceptable

Do I even love You? I know that I want to. I know that I desire You and that I want NOTHING more than to make You proud. But all fruit points elsewhere. We both know how I spend my time, and that it’s not with You. I am a sham. And I hate it…

But God! You have delivered ******** from homosexuality! You have healed multiple people from hidden sin. You have saved countless millions from eternal separation. You have proven, beyond need, that You are the answer. That You are able. That You are prepared to move mightily. I may not know much, but I know that You are not scared away by my faults. You are not stumped by my “question mark”. You are great and greatly to be praised. Not only are You every answer, You are the ONLY answer. Teach me…

November 6, 2008

This is a journal entry originally written 11/06/08…

How long has it been since I’ve allowed You to come in? How much time has passed since the last time that I sat at Your feet? How did I not realize that I had slipped to far away? How could I not recognize that without You, I am nothing?

I crave You – at the very core of who I am. I hear You – alluring me to the place where You abide. I see You – awesome in compassionate power. I feel You- all consuming, radiant fire

You take my breath away. You leave me a crumbled mess on the floor.  I need more than words to say, How much You amaze… How much I adore. You take my shame away. You make me the spotless bride You’ve been praying for. I need more than words to say, How purely I am, only Yours.

New Theme

I was thinking this past Sunday about how much I want to allow the Lord to break down my self-made walls, about how much I desire to be real, vulnerable, and transparent, if it will bring Him glory. I then began to read over some past journal entries and realized that that is the only place where I’ve spilt my innermost thoughts. That’s been a theme of mine since my very early teenage years. I’ve always been too ashamed, or afraid, to express my true thoughts except through the pen. I’ve believed that I could never articulate myself unless I wrote my words, and that writing was the only way I could ever process what I was truly feeling.  This has always caused me to feel somewhat immature.

Anyway, because I am desperate for the Lord to completely renew my mind, and I desire to now longer hide behind any pride, I have decided to publish some journal entries. These are my real thoughts, my real battles, my real questions.

we’ll see how this goes!

A New Year… and a new life

After almost a year of hibernation, I am awakening my inner blogger. I have a feeling that this year, 2010, is going to be something worth writing about. But in order for my present to be understood, I must explain my recent past…

The closing quarter of 2009 brought with it the loneliest, and scariest, spiritual condition I have ever experienced. I was completely numb and turned off to almost all emotion. I had struggled since the beginning of 2009, trying to maneuver through my excruciating sense of failure and hypocrisy. I had, for the most part, been able to use my religious works and fleshly measurements of my spirituality to quiet the internal screaming of “something is horribly wrong with me!” for short periods of time. Maybe a couple of months here and there. But then the structure of the church was changed. I found myself without any job or position to hide behind. I was left with only me. And while I did my best to seek out some sort of… anything that I could use to cloak the turmoil raging inside, at the end of every day, I was empty…  drowning…  and afraid.

One of those efforts was a training course in lay counseling. I must’ve thought that hearing and helping others in their struggles would somehow return a sense of purpose and hope that I’m not so bad off! Isn’t that terrible?!?  Of course I would never admit it then. I don’t even think I knew it then. Anyway, I was sitting in one of the classes. This one in particular was dealing with emotions and all the inner-working of what they tell. I have never felt so uncomfortable in a room before. The thought of digging into emotions, which I have always felt are an unnecessary evil, and uncovering what they mean and show about our view of God, was just too much to handle. It was in that class that I decided “no more. I am done.” And I was. I wanted nothing to do with any of it anymore. And the more I let that settle…  the more I was consumed by what I can only describe as…  ”the Nothing.” (a shameful reference to The Never-Ending Story, but quite a fitting description. Please forgive me!!)

At the start of November, I had no interest in pretending anymore. I had felt so fake for so long that I didn’t even know how to just be “real” with who I was. All I knew for sure was that I can’t continue like this. One thing I did learn about in my short term as a lay counsel trainee was my “avoidant” personality. I avoid relationship when feeling “off”. Not only physically, but also with the Lord. I fear being transparent. I fear imperfection. I fear failure on any/every level. But I couldn’t hide it anymore. I was falling apart, and I had no hope of being fixed. See, I was convinced that I was unfixable. I was incapable of change, whether by my own hand or the Lord’s. I had been desperate for something to change for a whole year, and here I was, worse off then I had ever been. I am a chronic failure… and that is the most devastating realization. A debilitating mindset. But I was addicted to it.

One Sunday, I couldn’t even try to smile if I wanted to… which I didn’t. Every cell of my being was crawling with discomfort. I couldn’t pretend that I was OK. But I didn’t want to deal with the “Are you OK?” questions or glances. I was not about to talk to anyone either. I just didn’t want to be at church, where my condition was shoved in my face for every second of the 2 hours I was there. Of course, that’s not how we (Life Connection Church) function. Especially when my very best friends are all family & elder’s wives!! I was screwed. I was surrounded within minutes of the service close and I had no answers for their probing questions. “I’m just done.” was all I could honestly say. I felt nothing. I thought nothing. Understood none of their advice… and didn’t want to.

This was soon followed by small intervention which consisted of my family (again, who also happen to be the pastors/elders of our church). To be honest, I scared myself concerning the level of lack I was experiencing. Total lack of emotion. All I could feel was… the nothing… again. The people I love the deepest, respect the most, and value the greatest, were standing before me, some with great emotion, pleading for me to snap out of it and recognize Christ. And I couldn’t bring myself to care. I couldn’t feel. I was, as was later stated to me, a shell of a girl.  And I thought… “This is it. It’s over.” I thought that there is no way for me to get out of this,  so I better get used to functioning in this new life… or lack thereof.

My mom gave me a book called “The Cry of the Soul”, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s all about emotions. One quote from the book that really got me thinking went something like this: “Our emotions force us to live in reality, and reality is where we meet God”.  I have spent so many years separating myself from my emotions that I can’t even decipher what I am feeling! How could I have ever let God into the deepest parts of who I am if I am always trying to sever those places from myself? I have lived in fear of reality for years. I have gone through the motions of leadership, sometimes really well, other times not so much, but always felt like the BIGGEST hypocrite in doing so. Mix that with the huge amounts of pride that lay within, and you’re left with some pretty nasty, fleshly, grossness…  AKA: me.

This was the start of the rebuild. My options were simple. I could either remain miserable, make everyone else miserable, cause my husband to strain and fight to lead his home according to his calling as priest and head of the household, and pretty much hate my life…  or I could try to figure this thing out. Try to rebuild.

There are so many details I’m skipping, its not even funny!! But I am kinda sick of writing!! Basically, I’ve chosen to rebuild. To seek the Truth and to own what the gospel of Christ means for me. I am by no means “fixed”. There are still many issues I have yet to confront. But I am hopeful. I am fearful at the same time, but this is more of a “Woe is me! For I am undone… For I have seen the Lord!” (Isaiah 6:5) type of fear. I have been stuck in this thing of “I have to re-learn everything in a new, personal, real way.” for the last several weeks. Feeling like my entire foundation has crumbled and now I have to completely go over every inch in this “re-building” phase. But yesterday, as I was thinking over all of this, I believe I heard from the Lord (*gasp*!).  I don’t need a whole new knowledge of Christ, I need a whole new love for Christ. It’s not an issue of re-learning. It’s an issue of allowing the truths of what I understand theologically, to permeate my spirit and soul and thereby creating a new love… a deeper, rooted love. To bring it full circle…  a new life, this time IN Christ.

and for the first time in a long time… I am *cautiously* excited!!

Really? Am I that lame?

Here’s the deal… I know that we are sinners by nature and choice. I get that I am not, neither now nor ever, going to be perfect while trapped in this flesh. I understand that I am constantly going to fall short of the glory of God and that I absolutely will disappoint Him over and over again. I GET IT!!  Now, moving on…

I really don’t like it!! I don’t like the sanctification process. It hurts like crap! I can see why so many leave when He starts dealing with the stuff inside. When it goes past just external, behavioral habits or action, and He starts with the character and belief system issues… man! It’s serious stuff. And it’s hard. And it reveals things about oneself that you’d probably rather not ‘fess up to. And a lot of the time I don’t leave His presence feeling all that great about myself…

But here’s why I love it… because it magnifies Him. It makes my God, the One true and living God, so much more glorious and gracious and miraculous and merciful. I am the lowest of the low, so unworthy to even utter His name… and yet He chose to humble Himself and save me and enable me to stand before the Almighty covered by His righteousness alone. 

I have to get past my junk… laziness, insecurity, anger, jealousy, self-condemnation… all that filth, that simply ties me up and keeps me from doing what He has called/gifted me to do. I don’t know how else to respond when I compare what/who I am to what/who HE is. All I can be is clay. And if He is asking me to get a move on, and let Him create within His creation, who am I to say that I’m not the right kind of clay? Isn’t that the beauty of clay? That it takes the form of whatever the potter is intending it be? It may take a few tries, but at the end of the day (or week , or year..), if the potter wants a simple bowl, or if He wants a flippin’ statue, He’s not going to stop molding until it’s what He intended it to be!! That is the very essence of Him, being faithful to complete the good work that He started.

Get yourself together, Christy. Or, better yet, DON”T! Just be some squishy, moldable, pliable, clay. Do your part, and let Him create. That’s it!

You’d better know pt.2

Sorry so tardy with the second half of the last post. It’s been a rough week!!

So anyway, after the news of what happened to the sons of Sceva traveled around, people were pretty  freaked out and Acts 19:17 says that a “A solemn fear descended on the city, and the name of the Lord Jesus was greatly honored.” So that’s cool! But the part that really gets me is this:

18 “Many who became believers confessed their sinful practices. 19  A number of them who had been practicing magic brought their incantation books and burned them at a public bonfire. The value of the books was several million dollars.”

It’s so interesting to me that it specifies that the sorcerers were so greatly impacted by what happened. They knew that they were in the same boat as those 7 guys. Again the word “incantation” is used connecting the sins of both groups. They recognized the depravity of their condition and their need of Christ. So much so that they burned their books as a sign of repentance. The NKJV says it like this (vs.19): “Also, many of those who had practiced magic brought their books together and burned them in the sight of all. And they counted up the value of them, and it totaled fifty thousand pieces of silver.”

One piece of silver equals one day’s wage. So if we put it in today’s value it looks like this: assuming a day’s wage is about $10/hr and you work 8 hours a day…  10×8=80 making 1 piece of silver $80. So 50,000 pieces of silver would equal $4 million. That’s a lot of repentance!!

But that’s also the power of testimony. Granted these guys didn’t come out on the good side of things, but still their story is what changed the lives of so many who were bound by the same sin. The testimony is in the greatness of our God. Of the name of Jesus. Of the authority that comes when we are hidden in Him and obedient to His Word. The group of sorcerers heard the story, said “Crap, that could be me!” And knew they needed to fix some things!!  I love that. Again, God uses stupid idiotic men to bring freedom and deliverance to the masses! I wanna know that power everyday.

Daily vs. Divine

So Sunday’s “In Awe” sermon continued in the “shake me awake” form of the “Devoted” sermon from last week. I just used three quotes in one sentence… a record, perhaps? Anyway, i was in serious contemplation and examination of my attitude and mindset. I can honestly say that remaining “in awe” of God has been a pretty constant prayer of mine for probably the last 6-7 years. I have been very aware (though obviously in frequent need of a reminder) that I can’t forget that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever and yesterday (old testament) He did some pretty gnarly things… today… tomorrow… no different. But I was talking to my husband about the crazy balance this calls for and how I’m not sure how to maintain it. How do we make God our everyday lives -discipleship, relationship, study, service – and not make it routine or familiar? How do we keep that same Godly fear every day?

Nichole Nordeman wrote a song years ago that is actually what made me aware of this battle. The lyrics are as follows:

Have I come too casually?
Because it seems to me
There’s something I’ve neglected
How does one approach a Deity
with informality
And still protect the Sacred?

‘Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it’s easy to forget You left a throne

And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it’s hard to know the difference

CHORUS:
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not,
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

What a shame to think that I’d appear
Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave
As if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation?

‘Cause you came and stood among the very least of us
And it’s easy to forget you left a throne

CHORUS

The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love

Oh, let me not forget to tremble

Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

“The line gets blurry all the time between daily and Divine…” That’s where the balance needs to be found. It’s interesting how in most things we do everyday, it’s routine. It’s the same-o same-o. But what is it that causes the mundane/routine? It’s comfort. It’s knowing exactly what to expect of the day. I looked up “mundane” in the dictionary and the 2nd definition is: of this earthly world rather than a heavenly or spiritual one. None of those things sound like our God. He is hardly same-o same-o!! I think that is the key to maintaining the “awe” factor… knowing that every time I face Him, everyday I seek Him, I am at His mercy. He could do whatever He wants with me. When you hear testimonies of those who are REALLY living led by the Spirit… their lives and daily chores become crazy spontaneous and unpredictable. God is huge. As soon as I start thinking I know what to expect of Him… as soon as the mundane sets in…  that’s when things start shifting more towards this earthly world rather than a heavenly or spiritual one.

I don’t know if this has made much sense. Feel free to add your own thoughts in a comment or two!!  I just really really love what’s happening…

You’d better KNOW Jesus…

This is a crazy story! Acts 13-20 is seriously insane. The first portion of verses i was somewhat familiar with. It’s when a group of Jews were going from town to town casting out evil spirits. What’s interesting is that as soon as they tried to do it in Jesus’ name, they were opposed by the spirit. So I believe this is what happened: Obviously, when they weren’t using Jesus’ name, they were successfully driving out evil spirits. It says that they were traveling around doing it, so this wasn’t the first time they tried. And I can’t believe that they would bother traveling from town to town it never worked.So how were they doing it if not through Jesus?  Well I don’t know what words they used, but don’t we know that it is never what is spoken that matters… words have no power in and of themselves… it’s the spiritual power behind the words that calls for action. 

Isn’t it just like the enemy to make a solid trade? I believe that every time these men approached an evil spirit, they did it in pride and a sense of witchery. Verse 13b says that they tried to use Jesus’ name in their “incantation“. Which leads me to believe that they had a set ritual/chant, which seems dangerously similar to witchcraft. So why wouldn’t the enemy allow them success in driving out a spirit here and there if every time they did, it drove them deeper and deeper into sin? Don’t forget, these were Jews. These men were the 7 sons of Sceva… A LEADING PRIEST (v. 14)!! These were men of God’s chosen people. The enemy is always willing to trade for a moment (I’m willing to guarantee that after fluttering about for a little while that the same spirits came right back with a vengeance to those who’d been “delivered”.) if it’s going to cause further separation between the Father and those He’s called. CRAZY!! And that’s just the first verse!!

Let me give you the verses so it makes a little better sense:

Act 19:13	A team of Jews who were traveling from town to town casting out evil spirits. They tried to use the name of the Lord Jesus in their incantation saying, “I command you in the name of Jesus, whom Paul preaches, to come out!”
Act 19:14	Seven sons of Sceva, a leading priest, were doing this.
Act 19:15	But one time when they tried it, the spirit replied, “I know Jesus, and I know Paul. But who are you?”

I can only imagine how their faces must’ve fell at those words! Obviously the spirit knew Jesus. He knew Paul because Paul spoke out of relationship and obedience and with the authority of Jesus through the Holy Spirit. But these guys? These guys basically waltzed up and said “In the name of Paul’s God (whom we have absolutely no relationship with), get out!”  And the spirit was amused! When the spirits looked at Paul, they saw Christ. When it looked these guys, it saw 7 messed up, prideful jokers with no authority and no backing. So basically their sad parade had come to an end.

Act 19:16

And he leaped on them and attacked them with such violence that they fled from the house, naked and badly injured.

They got messed up. The spirit caused its “host-man” to jump these guys with crazy force. Think about it: one possessed man nearly killed these 7 pansy-men! He was probably like one of those infected people from 28 days/weeks Later. He took their clothes!! All seven of them left naked!! And that was the end of their career as demon-driver-outers.

I’m gonna put the second half into another post. But what’s the lesson learned thus far?

1st: We had better know Jesus if we are trying to do anything in His name. And by know I mean:

• have serious relationship with HIm
• understand His spiritual authority
• be submitted and obedient and in right-standing with Him
• walk with His Holy Spirit

Piggy-backing on somebody else’s relationship/knowledge is only going to leave you naked and bloody and running scared as soon as you try put off like you know Him too. It’s seriously nothing to be taken lightly. God will not be mocked, nor belittled, nor used to bring any glory to stupid man. It really makes me wanna check and re-check myself. Is there ANY part of me or ANYthing I do where I expect something to go my way just because I throw Christ’s name in it? It’s so easy.

“Have mercy on me, Oh God, because of Your unfailing love. In Your wrath… remember mercy.” 

Why do I?

I was just reading a comment my brother, Kyle, made on LCC’s blog under the “What did You Hear” post.  When writing about questioning what God would say to us, he wrote a line that said, “God’s word is to give life, his voice is for our benefit not our destruction.” The instant I read that line I realized that the majority of the time that I go to the Word, I expect to be spanked…  and not in a healthy way. For some reason I have a very “abused dog” type mentality. Have you ever encountered a dog that has been abused as a puppy? Every time you raise your hand the dog will cower back and whine in fear. That’s how I approach the Word. I bring my failure mentality to the Word!! How is God supposed to speak to me freely if every time I’m going to filter it through my failure mindset? Everything is going to be skewed.

It’s kind of an immaturity really. When you look at it on the physical level, if every time I wanted to speak to someone about their life – whether encouraging or disciplining – and they took every word and turned it into this big “I’m such a loser… I can’t do anything right” type attitude, I would think they were so childish. And I wouls certainly think twice every time I needed to speak to them again.

Even as I write about how wrong I am about always thinking I’m doing something wrong (ironic, huh?), I have to keep myself in check. I have to find the balance. Or, I could just try listening to God’s voice and what it is that He actually IS saying!! That would probably work out best. I know that there are plenty of times I do have it wrong. I fully understand that… maybe to a fault. But i have to remember that God speaks to bring life, not destruction. When He does come with discipline it’s to increase the fruitfulness of my life. He doesn’t go straight for the roots. I think I really need to understand the difference between His pruning and His hacking. Both are painful, but God always works for the increase of fruit.

Really, I guess it just comes down to my needing to grow up, change some filters, and trust that God speaks kindly and gently, and He disciplines those He loves for the purpose of growth.

I don’t know…

This is where honesty sets in…

Did I read the Word today? Yes, I did.  Do I have a great lesson learned? No, I do not.

I’ve continued in my reading of Acts. Today I was intrigued by the fact that in probably 98% of the cities Paul visited in his missionary journeys, he started in the synagogues. He went to the gathering of the Jews and would preach repentance and Jesus Christ there first. Usually, there was a small section of people who received the message and became believers. And then there was also the usual group of religious morons who would concoct a plan to have Paul and his buddies taken out. Seriously, this happened almost every time!!

In Acts 18 this happens in Corinth and I think this is where the previously mentioned pattern starts getting to Paul! Verses 5 & 6 tell us that “Paul spent all his time preaching the Word. He testified to the Jews that Jesus was the Messiah.  But when they opposed and insulted him, Paul shook the dust from his clothes and said, ‘Your blood is upon your own heads – I am innocent. From now on I will go preach to the Gentiles.’”

It sounds to me like he had had it. Everywhere he went, the flippin’ Jews, those chosen by God, refused to listen to the Good News. *Of course, that is not a blanket statement…  as I said before, there were usually a group of Jews that believed along with him.* So I think in Paul’s mind, he was cutting them off. And he went to the home of God-fearing Gentiles and taught from there and many more people, households of people, came to the Lord.

(vs. 9) “Then one night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision and told him, “Don’t be afraid! Speak out! Don’t be silent! For I am with you and no one will attack and harm you, for many people in this city belong to Me.“

Then Paul stayed there a year and a half teaching the Word of God. A YEAR AND A HALF!  Here’s my thing…  if anyone had reason to be afraid, I think it was Paul. Up to this point, the man’s been stoned to the point where everyone thought he was dead, he’s been imprisoned more than once, he’s been beaten, he’s been the subject of assassination plans…  people were mean to him! So I can understand how he might want to try a different approach this time and only speak to those who wished to listen. But, don’t you know, God always has a different plan!

God simply says… listen! Not only am I with you (Which should be enough on its own), but there is a mess of people who belong to me and won’t let anything happen to you. So quit your crying and do your job!!

I love that about our God. There’s no excuse. Christ suffered the ultimate death to do His job…  there is not and never will be any comparison. So many times we try to make a reason why we can’t talk to certain people and sometimes we may actually believe that they’re valid reasons…  but then God is always there in the night telling us to speak.

Maybe I did learn something after all….