Priorities…

Everyday, I seem to have the same struggle…  Balance. Priorities. To-Do Lists. Sanity. From the minute I wake up, I am consumed with choices. “Can I sleep more?”, “What should I do first?”, “How can I get everything done?”, “Should I do school now, or after we eat?”, “Am I going to get a shower in?”, etc., etc.. The list goes on and on and on. Constantly my mind is debating and weighing options. And it never gets done. The list is never-ending. I feel constantly buried in all of the life “stuff”. Personality-wise, my default is to just stop trying. My nature is to be instantly overwhelmed and go into shut-down mode. I remember when I was a teenager at the local mall and I couldn’t decide which direction to go, I had no idea where I was supposed to headed, so I just sat down. In the middle of the walkway, I sat down on the ground. That’s where I still fight with myself on a daily basis. I can’t just sit down anymore. So what do I do?

Apply the Gospel.

God is Great. God is great, so I don’t have to be in control. By my incessant need to handle everything all the time, I have found myself with more control issues than I ever thought possible. I have a certain knack for only trusting myself to get things done the way I want them. Which is bazaar since I am always disappointing myself with my lack of ability to do the same. I must step away and lift my eyes. God is Great. He is magnificent beyond comprehension. He is greater than anything in creation, because He is the Creator. My short-comings may be bigger than myself, but they are nothing to my Great God. I may not be able to control my day very well, but He rules the heavens and the earth and all that is within them. As long as I submit myself to His great control, its impossible for me to be angry or disappointed with the outcome. I must remain teachable, moldable, and sensitive to His great hands as He directs my every move. How then, at the end of the day, could I turn around and say, “God, you didn’t let me do this well enough! You didn’t make time for me to complete this task!”. It can’t happen. I must be obedient to His direction and trust that He knows what is most important for my every day. I don’t have to be in control. He is the great God.

God is Glorious. God is glorious, so I don’t have to fear others. As women, we are naturally bent towards the comparison game. There are so many who have more organization in their pinky toe, than I have been able to muster in the entire 8 years of my marriage. There are women, who have time to homeschool 7 children, make three meals a day from scratch and throw in a homemade pie just because! There are women, who have 4 coffee dates a week with other women just to catch up and see how they’re doing and how they can help. There are women who are just plain better than me! And it drives me CRAZY!! I want to be able to do all those things. I see so much value in each of those abilities and I desperately want to do it all perfectly! But I can’t. I am not. My house is a mess because I can’t find the motivation to stay on top of everything with my 3 kids (2 of whom I homeschool 3-5 hours a day) home all the time, my desire to cook them good healthy meals that require a pan and not a microwave, and my desire to be a nice mom who isn’t yelling out of relentless frustration. I can’t do it all! Am I OK with that?  Not really… not yet. But I have to believe that my God is glorious. Whatever I can do I do as unto the Lord. Whatever I need to sacrifice, I am believing that I am seeing God’s glory manifested in my family. My kids are amazing! They are kind, and obedient, and hilarious! They love Jesus, and they know that Jesus is the center of our home. That is nothing I have done! That is the glory of God and I am in awe as I see it. Playing around in my torn up living room are 3 works of God’s own hand, who He has asked me to teach at home for now. IF that is going to take up my whole day, than so be it. God is glorious, and I don’t have to compare what He has equipped me with to what He has equipped others with. I only have to be a good and faithful servant and invest well into what He’s entrusted into my care.  Which brings me to my next point…

God is Gracious. God is gracious so I don’t have to prove myself. This is the most difficult for me to absorb. Since a small child, I have always felt the need to prove myself good enough in order to be accepted. There’s never, ever, been a time when I have just felt good about who I am, or have not felt like a massive failure to the world, myself, and God. I am a worker. I have to be found worthy before I can accept any credit for anything. You can see, I hope, why this is a recipe for disaster! I have never been worthy! Not then, not now, not ever… according to my own righteousness. Not by my own measuring stick. But God! By His grace, has allowed me to measure according to His righteousness, that is Christ crucified and resurrected, and to live according to His worth, which is the only worth I possess. I am a sucky housewife!! BUT, He is gracious, and He is teaching me. He is taking my weaknesses and in time, they will become less weak…maybe they will even become strengths!! John Mark McMillan says it beautifully, “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, that He loves us. Oh, how He loves us…”. God is gracious, and He loves showing His grace to the humble. Falling short everyday does a great job of giving me a daily shot of humility… if I respond according to His grace, and not according to my hurt pride/ego. There is a difference. Finally,

God is Good. God is good, so I don’t have to look elsewhere. He is my strength and my portion. I have a house that suits my family well. God is so good for giving me a house to keep clean. I have food to cook for my family. God is so good for giving me groceries and cookware that I have to wash up everyday. And for giving us all clothes that need to be washed. I have a washer and dryer that work!! God is good! God is good, that He gave His only Son as a price to be paid for my sin. For my failures. For my shortcomings.

Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. I am not complaining about my everyday struggle. It is an area for God to show His glory, His grace, His goodness, and His greatness, as He teaches me how to grow well. I must preach this to myself everyday until it is written on my heart. Maybe I won’t have these battles everyday. Maybe someday, I will be able to balance it all and do it all well. But if that happens, we will all know the cause… Jesus. Because, as I’ve made painfully clear here, it is not in my power to do any of it. Thank you, Jesus. That You are a Refuge and a Strong Tower for me to run to. Thank you that in my weakness You are made strong.

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